Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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