If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
