Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
