yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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