you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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