Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
