Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
