She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
