My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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