had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
