you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
