The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
