The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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