fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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