You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i out mim tonsoeep
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
