Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
