I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
