She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
