im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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