he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
