Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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