she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
