i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
