I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
