Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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