now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
