Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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