Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
