You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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