what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
