Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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