When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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