just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
