The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
