Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
