this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
