My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
