Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
