My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
