You can't special order awesome
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
