cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
