I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
