My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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