I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
