I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
