Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
There r osticjed everywhere
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
