shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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