My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
