Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
