Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
