he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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