At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
