my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
