I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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