i permit you to call me
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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